Tales From Blood Gulch
by Arctic Banana
Summary: Red vs. Blue- A collection of crack-a-rific one-shots about Blue Team.


_This was originally going to be titled "A Collection of CrackFics 2: RvB Edition", but then I realized that given the style of humor in Red vs. Blue, these probably wouldn't even really qualify as crack fics. A crack fic for RvB would probably be an intelligent Caboose or something. Okay, I'm rambling, so onto the point of this introduction._

_My friend, Nichole, is on this "vaction" of sorts with us, and we both got bored. So, she asked me if I wanted to write something with her (we've written stories together in the past; this is pretty much the first one that's actually getting posted). She didn't want to write another Transformers fic with me because she's getting a little bored with the series (Egads! Blasphemy is afoot!), and since she was playing Halo all day yesterday at her brother's house, she suggested Red vs. Blue._

_These fics are kind of a bit centered on Caboose because we both agree that he's the best character on the show. It wasn't really intentional though, it just happened that way. The Reds are barely in here because we don't really like them as much as the Blues. I mean, I'll admit I like Grif (bacon flavored marshmallows ftw) and she said so herself that she likes Donut, so we don't hate them, we just prefer the Blues. Maybe if we can think of ideas we'll add a chapter focusing on the Reds._

* * *

**TIME FOR TUBBY BYE-BYE**

_Notes: Alright…who else can picture Caboose actually doing this? And also, I'll admit...I used to watch Teletubbies. That show is addicting!_

Church wasn't anticipating the sight he saw upon walking into Blue base's rec room. He paused in the doorway. Caboose was watching TV and eating Trix cereal straight out of the box. "Caboose…are you watching Teletubbies?"

"The yellow one is so hot…" Caboose replied, shoveling another handful of Trix into his mouth. Church slowly backed out of the room.

"So, you've stumbled upon Caboose's latest obsession, huh?" Tex said from behind him.

"I swear, it's like they don't screen these applicants anymore," he replied.

"Be thankful you didn't catch him on his Bob the Builder streak," she added. "He had the hugest crush on the cement mixer."

"Hey Caboose, save some of that cereal for me!" Tucker called to him.

Caboose turned the box upside down and shook it, determining that it was already empty. "Okay, Tucker. No problem!"

The horribly cheerful music was getting to Church. "I'm a-I'm going to stand outside. You know…in case the Reds attack or something," he said, leaving as quickly as possible to escape the horrible music. Caboose was bouncing up and down to the tune and humming along.

"Take me with you!" Tex begged, running after him.

"Oh good lord…Me too!" Tucker added.

* * *

**HEY CHURCH, WHATCHA DOIN'?**

_Notes: You can definitely tell Nicole co-wrote this one. She always manages to somehow sneak in a big word that I don't understand when I write things with her. Also, ever since I wrote this, I've been having a craving for pudding._

"Hey Church, whatcha doin'?" Caboose asked curiously.

"Reading a book," Church replied.

"What's it called?"

"Cujo."

"What's it about?"

"A rabid dog."

"Kind of like Old Yeller?"

"Yeah, whatever."

"That movie makes me cry…I've seen it 42 times and I'm in tears everytime. What about you? Do you cry when you watch Old Yeller?"

"There's pudding in the fridge," Church said nonchalantly.

"PUDDING!!" Caboose cheered excitedly, rushing off to the fridge.

Church continued reading his book, glad that he was gone. Unfortunately, he was back fifteen minutes later with a bowl of pudding.

"Church, help! I can't find my mouth!" Caboose whimpered, smearing pudding onto the front of his helmet.

Church sighed with irritation. "Take the helmet off, Caboose."

Caboose paused for a moment. "Oh…em…gee…You can do that?"

"Yes, Caboose. We've been over this a million times. Despite everything that Tucker tells you, your helmet is not fused to your head."

"Wow…you're smart! That must be why you're the leader!" Caboose said admiringly.

"Yeah, it takes real rocket science to figure out that your armor comes off."

Caboose paused again. "The rest of my armor comes off too?"

"Go away and eat your pudding!" Church snapped.

"Okay, fine! You don't have to be so pushy about it!" Caboose again left. Twenty minutes later, he was back. "Hey Church, how do you spell "sybarite"?"

"F-U-C-K-O-F-F," Church replied.

"Oh, thank you!" Caboose said, going away again. He came back three minutes later. "Wait, that spells "Fuck off"!"

"Caboose, I'm warning you, take the advice!" Church growled.

"What advice?"

"Go away!"

Caboose was still for a moment. "You don't want me here?"

"God, no! I've been trying to get you to leave me alone for the past 45 minutes! Now get lost!" Caboose starting sniffling. "Oh god…you're not gonna cry, are you?" His sniffling turned to sobbing. "Oh, come on! Knock it off before somebody sees you!" Caboose's sobbing turned to wailing. "Okay, okay! Geez, I'm sorry! Just shut up! You're giving me a headache!"

Caboose went back to sniffling. "You're sorry? You mean it?"

"Yes, Caboose. Now stop bitching and…"

"So you don't want me to go away?" he said hopefully.

"Um…well…"

"And we can be friends forever?"

"I didn't say…"

"And you'll add me to your friends list on Myspace?"

"Well, I never actually…"

"Cuz it's pretty lonely there ever since Tom made me remove him from my friends list, and if you could just add me to your list, that would make me feel really happy!"

"That's taking things a bit too far, don't you think?" Caboose started sniffling again. "Alright! I'll add you to my friends list. Sheesh!"

"And you'll give me a hug?" Caboose said hopefully.

"Eww, no! I don't want to hug you!"

"Please? Pretty please with sardines on top?"

"Eww…sardines?"

"Yes. I like sardines. They're like little pets that I can't kill and that won't run away from me."

"Forget it, Caboose! I'm not hugging you!" Caboose started sniffling again. Saying every colorful word in his vocabulary under his breath, Church looked around to make sure that no one was looking and quickly hugged Caboose. "There. Happy now?"

"Will you give me a piggyback ride around the base too?"

"Don't push it, Caboose."

"Sorry…"

* * *

**ARE YOU ASLEEP YET?**

_Notes: This one's based on conversations that Nichole and I have every night when we go to sleep. The firefly one especially is pretty much a transcript of a real conversation (although we were not actually being serious with that one, we were just kidding around)._

_Also, it's been a while since I've actually watched all of Red vs. Blue. I don't remember if they ever mentioned how their sleeping arrangements are, but I'm just going out on a limb here and guessing that since there are only four of them as opposed to an army of them (plus, one's female at that and would probably require more privacy in this situation), there should be room enough for each of them to be able to get their own room. For the sake of entertainment however, in this fic, they all sleep in bunks in the same room._

Caboose climbed into his bunk and looked over at Tex in her bunk. "Hey Tex, where'd you get two pillows from?"

"Church gave me his," Tex replied.

"Aww, how sweet. Church is so nice to you!" Caboose smiled.

"Uh-huh," she agreed.

"Well, goodnight everybody!" Tucker called to them from his bunk.

"Why is my toothbrush wet? Have one of you been using it?" Church called from the bathroom.

"Why would any of us want to use your toothbrush?" Tex called back.

"Then why is it all wet?"

"Probably from when I dropped it in the toilet," she replied.

There was a pause. "Oh…my god…you did what?"

"You heard me. Tucker's toothbrush took a swim too."

"I'll be right back," Tucker said, standing up and walking to the bathroom.

"Going to wash your mouth out with Listerine?" Tex asked.

"Bleach," he replied.

"Hey Tex?" Caboose asked.

"Yeah, Caboose?" she responded.

"If a lady gave birth to Siamese twins and a normal baby, would they be considered twins, or triplets?"

Tex sat up to look at him. "Um…what?"

"They'd be triplets, you dipshit," Church replied, coming back from the bathroom and climbing into his bunk.

"Oh, okay," he said, satisfied with Church's answer.

Church looked around the area surrounding his bunk. "Has anyone seen my pillow?"

Tucker returned shortly afterwards from bleaching his mouth and turned off the light. "G'night, everyone."

It was quiet for a while until Caboose spoke up again. "Hey Church? Church? Chuurrrch?"

"What Caboose?" Church groaned, blinking into consciousness.

"Are you asleep?"

"Well I was."

"Oh, okay. I was just checking." He went silent again, but only for a moment. "Hey Tucker, how do fireflies work?"

"How do fireflies work? Why the hell are you asking me this?" Tucker asked.

"Because I've been thinking about it, and it's been bothering me," Caboose replied.

"They glow because…um…they spend all their life eating glow sticks," he answered.

"Wow, I didn't know they ate glow sticks! But why do they do that?" Caboose asked curiously.

"They're party bugs. They spend all their time at raves and night clubs picking up ladybugs," he continued.

"Yeah, Tuck, so even the bugs get more action than you," Church said.

"Oh, shut up!"

"But why spend all their life partying?" Caboose asked relentlessly.

"Why not? They only live like, what, three weeks or so?"

"But still, why not spend your time doing something else? I mean if I had only three weeks left to live, I'd want to spend it watching TV with my best friend, Church."

"I'm not your best friend!" Church interrupted.

"That can't be a very fulfilling life…I bet it gets lonely. Do bugs ever get lonely? I guess maybe they do if they can go to parties..."

"Say "goodnight" Caboose," Tex said.

"Goodnight, Caboose," Caboose repeated.

They'd thought they'd heard the last of it, until… "It's kind of weird that I was born human…I mean, why wasn't I born an elephant or something else?"

"Because your mom and dad were humans, not elephants," Church replied in annoyance.

"Oh…so if my mom were a cat and my dad were a cat, then…"

"You'd be a cat too, Caboose," Tucker responded.

"And if my mom were a bear and my dad were a bear, then I'd be a bear too?"

"That's usually how it works."

"Oh…so what would I be if my mom was a three headed monkey and my dad was a woodland elf?"

"You would be Church," Tex answered.

"Oh, har har…" Church grumbled.

* * *

**HEAD MONSTERS**

_Notes: The movie that they just watched is called "The Sick House". Tucker's opinion of the movie sums up how I feel about it pretty well. I definitely would not recommend it._

_Forgive us if our Spanish is incorrect later on…we're French students, not Spanish students. Also, this story is the reason this thing got rated M. You'll see why in a moment._

Caboose and Tucker sat on the couch and watched the end credits float past the screen. Caboose was shaking. "That movie was scary…"

"That movie was stupid, disgusting, and disturbing, and for a movie that was advertised as something about the Black Plague, I was kind of expecting it to be about, you know…the Black Plague!" Tucker complained.

"What are you talking about? The movie had the Black Plague in it," Caboose pointed out.

"Yeah, and only one person actually caught it, and it's not even what killed him in the end," Tucker continued ranting. "The movie was more about the ghost of an evil Plague Doctor butchering stupid people than the Plague itself. What little plot it had was stupid. And they swore too fucking much. I mean, who the fuck says "fuck" every other fucking word?"

"I know, isn't that fucking horrible? Who the fuck talks like that?" Caboose agreed.

"I don't fucking know, lonely people who spend their Saturdays watching B-movies?" Tucker suggested. "Well, let's go to bed!"

"Fuck yes!"

The hall was long and dark, and Caboose was still scared from the movie. "Caboose?"

"Yes Tucker?"

"Why are you holding my hand?"

"So…um…you don't get lost?"

"Let go!" Tucker snapped, yanking his hand free.

"Hey, could you really catch the Black Plague now?" Caboose asked curiously.

"Yes. It's just not as common," Tucker replied.

"Hey, what is the Black Plague, anyway?"

"No one really knows, Caboose. Some say it was the Bubonic Plague. Some say it was anthrax. Some say it was something else. Me? I say, who the fuck cares?" _(Note: Is it ironic that as I was typing out his explanation about the plague, the song "End of the World" by Cold started playing on my MP3 player?)_

They heard what sounded like a hunk of metal smashing into the side of the base and jumped. "What was that?" Caboose asked.

"I don't know…let's check it out," Tucker suggested.

"Let's not…I saw a movie like this already! It was called "Predator"…"

"What?" Tucker uttered in confusion.

"Everytime they "check it out" in movies, everyone always dies!"

"Only one problem with your generalization, Caboose: This isn't a movie! What, do you think people would actually sit at their computer, watching 100 episodes of us fighting the Reds? Who would do that? I mean it's not like anything we do is ever interesting, right?"

"Hmm…" Caboose replied anxiously. They both heard the sound again.

"C'mon, Caboose. It's probably just the Reds coming to fuck with us or something," Tucker said, running outside.

"Wait for me!" Caboose called out, running after him.

They found Tex outside, throwing debris at the side of the base. "Tex? What are you doing?" Tucker asked. "Why are you throwing shit at the base?"

"Because I can," she replied.

"See Caboose, it was just Tex. There's nothing scary out here," Tucker said reassuringly.

"I don't know…Tex is pretty scary," Caboose added.

"What, are you scared from that movie?" Tex asked. "I told you you wouldn't like it, Caboose."

"Come on, Caboose, there's nothing to be afraid of," Tucker added.

"Yeah, but…What was that?!" Caboose jumped. He backed up and bumped into something hard.

"Oh, hello…"

High-sprung as he was, Caboose grabbed Tex and Tucker and ran off into the base screaming.

"Did I say something wrong?" Sheila asked Lopez.

"Él es problemente un loco," Lopez shrugged.

_Later…_

"Um…guys, I'm pretty sure my bunk wasn't designed to hold eight people…" Church pointed out.

"Quit bitching and move over," Tex replied.

"Hey Red…Why are you guys here?" Tucker asked.

"Well…the light bulb on our night light burned out, and we were watching scary B-movies about the Plague and what-not," Sarge replied.

"That movie wasn't even scary!" Tucker countered.

"Yes it was…" Caboose whimpered.

"Whoever's foot that is, you might want to move it," Grif warned. "Like now…before I saw it off…"

"You're gonna have to put up with it, Grif, because I can't even move right now!" Simmons snapped back.

"Can somebody tell Caboose to share the pillow?" Donut asked.

"No! It's my pillow! Get your own!" Caboose growled.

"Would somebody mind taking me outside and shooting me?" Church asked.

"I'll do it," Tex offered.

"Oh, how sweet of you."


End file.
